Tattoos on this Town

It sure left its mark on us. We sure left our mark on it. Let the world know we were here with everything we did. Laid a lot of memories down, like tattoos on this town.

This is the life I want to live. Simple life. Nothing fancy.
Being unique always seemed like a good thing. No one in the entire world is just like me. No one likes exactly the same things as I do. No one feels the same way I do. No one wants to do the same things I do. No one gets the same urges I do. No one (except my Daddy) fully understands me. There's something awfully lonely about being unique.

I am very blessed to have moved around so much. To have experienced so many different things. To have met so many different people. To have went through so many different phases in life. I've always thought I liked it this way. 2 years at a time. 2 years seemed like perfect time periods. I get close enough with my friends to really call them friends, to have built wonderful memories with them. But I'd have moved when things started getting complicated. Perfect timing! that's what I always thought...I have none of those "forever" friends. None whom I grew up with. None whom I had a big fight with. None whom I was tight with for more than 3 years. None who understood me in the different phases. There's something awfully lonely about moving around so much.

I've always wanted to grow up fast. I still do. In every stage in life, I wanted to rush to the next stage. I still do. Grass on the other side is always greener. The next and the previous stages always seemed better than the current one. Since there's no way to go backwards, I want to run forward. People say your best friends are the ones you make when you were young. I trusted more. I worried less. I loved more. I gave more. I received more. I doubted less. I shared more. I made friends who were the world to me. We fought side-by-side. We cried. We laughed. We went through everything together. We shared one world. It was us against the rest of the world. The more grown up, the more all of this just sounds naive. There's something awfully lonely about growing up.

I'm too young for being old. Too old for being young. All I want is someone who'd go out with me right now to leave our mark. Where are all the people who are just like me?

Continued

Of course the pizza I said I ordered at the end of the last post would give me food poisoning. Caused me my whole friday and half of my saturday.

Man...this week is just on a roll.

Thank God I'm feeling much better now!  :)

Twenty-One

Don't want to be a bummer, but this was the worst birthday ever. Who would've known that my 21st would be the worst? Now, I've always had a bunch of homework, tests, and projects due on my birthday in general, in the past. So the paper and midterm on the day after my birthday only contributed a little to this horrible birthday.

Christine took a bite first =P

It's not completely awful though, I'll put the positive in front. My lovely FLOW sisters and brothers bought me a cake and sang happy birthday during CG! :D That was pretty awesome!

This birthday had a lot of potential to be a great one too. 21st, come on, I can legally drink! I had Thursday and Friday off so my old man planned on visiting me. Of course, none of that happened. I assumed my old man would be here by Thursday night, like the first time he visited me. He however, kept telling me that he can't come until probably Friday or Saturday because of his school. I was bummed for obvious reasons, so I said I'd go up instead since I'd be free by Wednesday night.

Once I was set on going up, my old man told me that he was going to surprise me by coming here with VD. Of course I felt awwww...thanks for wanting to surprise me! What my old man didn't know was that I'd rather spend  it with him alone. I feel like he should know by now, everytime he asks if we should invite other people to go with us somewhere, I'd say no. But then, what do I know, he obviously thought I'd rather him come with VD with a short amount of time. (They'd come saturday noon and leave sunday noon) The :( following the short 24 hour :) is not worth it. So I told them it's okay, we'll just celebrate when I go up during thanksgiving.

All the above, plus a thousand other misunderstandings and miscommunications and stupid emotions, led to my horrible birthday. I spent the actual day writing my paper and preparing for a midterm, which I completely failed. Thursday I woke up did nothing for a whole day and slept. Friday I woke up and got into a fight with my old man. Notice none of these involved spending it with a loved one or drinking.

Ever since my old man left for the first time in September, I don't let myself cry like I used to. I want to convince myself that I'm perfectly fine here. I used to cry because deep down I knew it was going to be okay in a couple of hours. Now, I fear that if I cried and started thinking about why I'm crying, there would be no end. I don't know when it'll be okay again.

It's not as bad as it sounds haha. I still enjoy being by myself a lot. Just ordered a pizza. I need to start writing another paper! Go Sherri!

Late Nights

There's something about late nights that makes me think. Think about my day, my relationships, my life, my past, my future, the world. For reasons unbeknown to me, these thinking sessions more often lead to sad feelings than they do happy feelings.

So last night, I was doing my late-night-thinking and as usual I was losing my breath. And I don't mean "Wow! That was amazing, it took my breath away!" I mean I was really losing my breath, as in my heart was pounding so hard and fast I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe. So I grabbed my jacket, said I'm going for a walk, and dashed out the door.

As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk I started walking really really slow giving lots of time for me to figure myself out. Naturally I thought it had something to do with the songs and poems my old man wrote. So I thought about them harder. My breath normal, my heart beat same pace; so that mustn't be it. I thought about the stars. I thought about whether or not to put on my hood. I thought about the last time I walked around this neighborhood. I thought about how the cool breeze felt extremely good on my now cold legs. I thought about UCLA.

Imagined what it'd be like when I moved there. What kind of people I'd meet, what kind of things I'd be doing, what kind of friends I'd have. Then I thought of myself as of now, of how I think, how I act, how I dress. I realized how I haven't changed a bit; I'm still who I surround myself with. I talk like my friends do, I dress like them, I act the same way, I think the same thoughts as they do. Then I started to understand why I was out walking on the street instead of in my bed snoring. I feared my future friends. I feared how I will become just like my new friends, and what if they weren't good. I feared myself. I feared how I have everything to lose and I might just do exactly that.

In the quietness of the night, my head seemed especially loud. My UCLA train of thought hadn't even gotten to its station when it got interupted by the loud noise of another train pacing into my head. A train carrying presumptions that were proven wrong the next morning.

Dirt Road Anthem

Memory lane up in the headlights. It's got me reminiscing on the good times.

Should have kept them somewhere safe. I've got none. Ring lost. Shirt gone. Wretch deactivated. Phone broken. Laptop dead. They're all only in my head now.

Wish I had a room. Probably would have kept all my stuff in it, then I'd still be able to find them.

byebye FHDA

Two years went by so fast. I'd have to say, I enjoyed it very much. Hasn't really sunk in yet...the fact that I'll be leaving Bay area in 3 months. Been living in San Jose ever since I got here (almost 4 years ago). Now that I'm heading to LA, feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, anxiousness and maybe a tiny hint of excitement, but mostly just sadness and nostalgia.

Playing back all the memories in the past two years...all the people I've passed by, exchanged glances, been in a group with, worked together, talked to and befriended. Been thinking maybe everyone else is right on this: should really keep in touch with all these lovely people that have once been a part of my life.

Don't know why it's different this time. Felt the same mixture of sadness, nostalgia, anxiousness and excitement, but for all the previous times, excitement took the biggest chunk. Maybe, I know myself a little better this time around. I know I probably won't be BFFs with them, I know I probably will lose touch with them, I know one of those nights I'll probably miss them so very very much but never find the courage to ask them out, I know after a long time I'll probably think to myself...dang it. Maybe, knowing all of this just makes it so much harder this time around.

us no more

Remember two posts ago I said "two more quarters to go and I'm already starting to miss them"? Well, turned out there was only one left...

At least the three of us finally got a picture together.

We planned to take physics 4D together with Marasco but it conflicted with math 22, we needed the math more. I still have math 22 to Jonathan and George and math 2B with Oscar. But there's no more us...Even Fors knew we were the trio and in our case, trio - 1 = nothing.

I know I've said this about a billion times now, but I honestly really liked us. Physics was so enjoyable with you guys. I know we have our differences, we get into a gazillion little fights and arguments. That doesn't matter though, at least in my opinion, we were awesome.

I know I said I don't keep in contact with my old friends and I forget them, but know that I will definitely miss you guys a lot. If after a while, we lose touch, understand that it's not because I've forgotten about you, it's because I'm not brave enough to overcome the awkwardness that's only in my head.

P.S. I've been watching Tangled over and over ever since I got it. It may very well be my favorite movie now!

10:52 pm

Noticed I have not posted a blog here for a long time. It's either because nothing has excited me enough to motivate me to write or it's because I've been a little more busy this quarter, for some kind of reason that is still unclear to me at the moment. I'm taking pretty much the exact same classes as last quarter. For some reason though, I'm so much busier this quarter.

I'd like to say that my life's been a whole jumbo mix of little messes, but I'd be lying. I've got nothing on my plate except for school lately.

I have always wanted a secret hide-out place where I could just be there, be still in solitude and no one would find me. I have got this place in mind for a long time, but I haven't been able to track it down until now. I think I have an idea where it might be. I shall go check it out soon. If it is as perfect as I had remembered it to be, it will probably become my hide-out place. Of course, it being a "secret" hide-out place, I can't reveal where it is located. So, sorry to myself in 50 years, when I read this but can't remember where it is, I won't be able to find the answer here.

On another note, Alpha's been good. I took him out of his tank for the first time to clean his tank. He seemed pretty pleased about his clean tank.