Late Nights

There's something about late nights that makes me think. Think about my day, my relationships, my life, my past, my future, the world. For reasons unbeknown to me, these thinking sessions more often lead to sad feelings than they do happy feelings.

So last night, I was doing my late-night-thinking and as usual I was losing my breath. And I don't mean "Wow! That was amazing, it took my breath away!" I mean I was really losing my breath, as in my heart was pounding so hard and fast I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe. So I grabbed my jacket, said I'm going for a walk, and dashed out the door.

As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk I started walking really really slow giving lots of time for me to figure myself out. Naturally I thought it had something to do with the songs and poems my old man wrote. So I thought about them harder. My breath normal, my heart beat same pace; so that mustn't be it. I thought about the stars. I thought about whether or not to put on my hood. I thought about the last time I walked around this neighborhood. I thought about how the cool breeze felt extremely good on my now cold legs. I thought about UCLA.

Imagined what it'd be like when I moved there. What kind of people I'd meet, what kind of things I'd be doing, what kind of friends I'd have. Then I thought of myself as of now, of how I think, how I act, how I dress. I realized how I haven't changed a bit; I'm still who I surround myself with. I talk like my friends do, I dress like them, I act the same way, I think the same thoughts as they do. Then I started to understand why I was out walking on the street instead of in my bed snoring. I feared my future friends. I feared how I will become just like my new friends, and what if they weren't good. I feared myself. I feared how I have everything to lose and I might just do exactly that.

In the quietness of the night, my head seemed especially loud. My UCLA train of thought hadn't even gotten to its station when it got interupted by the loud noise of another train pacing into my head. A train carrying presumptions that were proven wrong the next morning.

Dirt Road Anthem

Memory lane up in the headlights. It's got me reminiscing on the good times.

Should have kept them somewhere safe. I've got none. Ring lost. Shirt gone. Wretch deactivated. Phone broken. Laptop dead. They're all only in my head now.

Wish I had a room. Probably would have kept all my stuff in it, then I'd still be able to find them.

byebye FHDA

Two years went by so fast. I'd have to say, I enjoyed it very much. Hasn't really sunk in yet...the fact that I'll be leaving Bay area in 3 months. Been living in San Jose ever since I got here (almost 4 years ago). Now that I'm heading to LA, feeling a mixture of sadness, nostalgia, anxiousness and maybe a tiny hint of excitement, but mostly just sadness and nostalgia.

Playing back all the memories in the past two years...all the people I've passed by, exchanged glances, been in a group with, worked together, talked to and befriended. Been thinking maybe everyone else is right on this: should really keep in touch with all these lovely people that have once been a part of my life.

Don't know why it's different this time. Felt the same mixture of sadness, nostalgia, anxiousness and excitement, but for all the previous times, excitement took the biggest chunk. Maybe, I know myself a little better this time around. I know I probably won't be BFFs with them, I know I probably will lose touch with them, I know one of those nights I'll probably miss them so very very much but never find the courage to ask them out, I know after a long time I'll probably think to myself...dang it. Maybe, knowing all of this just makes it so much harder this time around.