Continued

Of course the pizza I said I ordered at the end of the last post would give me food poisoning. Caused me my whole friday and half of my saturday.

Man...this week is just on a roll.

Thank God I'm feeling much better now!  :)

Twenty-One

Don't want to be a bummer, but this was the worst birthday ever. Who would've known that my 21st would be the worst? Now, I've always had a bunch of homework, tests, and projects due on my birthday in general, in the past. So the paper and midterm on the day after my birthday only contributed a little to this horrible birthday.

Christine took a bite first =P

It's not completely awful though, I'll put the positive in front. My lovely FLOW sisters and brothers bought me a cake and sang happy birthday during CG! :D That was pretty awesome!

This birthday had a lot of potential to be a great one too. 21st, come on, I can legally drink! I had Thursday and Friday off so my old man planned on visiting me. Of course, none of that happened. I assumed my old man would be here by Thursday night, like the first time he visited me. He however, kept telling me that he can't come until probably Friday or Saturday because of his school. I was bummed for obvious reasons, so I said I'd go up instead since I'd be free by Wednesday night.

Once I was set on going up, my old man told me that he was going to surprise me by coming here with VD. Of course I felt awwww...thanks for wanting to surprise me! What my old man didn't know was that I'd rather spend  it with him alone. I feel like he should know by now, everytime he asks if we should invite other people to go with us somewhere, I'd say no. But then, what do I know, he obviously thought I'd rather him come with VD with a short amount of time. (They'd come saturday noon and leave sunday noon) The :( following the short 24 hour :) is not worth it. So I told them it's okay, we'll just celebrate when I go up during thanksgiving.

All the above, plus a thousand other misunderstandings and miscommunications and stupid emotions, led to my horrible birthday. I spent the actual day writing my paper and preparing for a midterm, which I completely failed. Thursday I woke up did nothing for a whole day and slept. Friday I woke up and got into a fight with my old man. Notice none of these involved spending it with a loved one or drinking.

Ever since my old man left for the first time in September, I don't let myself cry like I used to. I want to convince myself that I'm perfectly fine here. I used to cry because deep down I knew it was going to be okay in a couple of hours. Now, I fear that if I cried and started thinking about why I'm crying, there would be no end. I don't know when it'll be okay again.

It's not as bad as it sounds haha. I still enjoy being by myself a lot. Just ordered a pizza. I need to start writing another paper! Go Sherri!

Late Nights

There's something about late nights that makes me think. Think about my day, my relationships, my life, my past, my future, the world. For reasons unbeknown to me, these thinking sessions more often lead to sad feelings than they do happy feelings.

So last night, I was doing my late-night-thinking and as usual I was losing my breath. And I don't mean "Wow! That was amazing, it took my breath away!" I mean I was really losing my breath, as in my heart was pounding so hard and fast I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe. So I grabbed my jacket, said I'm going for a walk, and dashed out the door.

As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk I started walking really really slow giving lots of time for me to figure myself out. Naturally I thought it had something to do with the songs and poems my old man wrote. So I thought about them harder. My breath normal, my heart beat same pace; so that mustn't be it. I thought about the stars. I thought about whether or not to put on my hood. I thought about the last time I walked around this neighborhood. I thought about how the cool breeze felt extremely good on my now cold legs. I thought about UCLA.

Imagined what it'd be like when I moved there. What kind of people I'd meet, what kind of things I'd be doing, what kind of friends I'd have. Then I thought of myself as of now, of how I think, how I act, how I dress. I realized how I haven't changed a bit; I'm still who I surround myself with. I talk like my friends do, I dress like them, I act the same way, I think the same thoughts as they do. Then I started to understand why I was out walking on the street instead of in my bed snoring. I feared my future friends. I feared how I will become just like my new friends, and what if they weren't good. I feared myself. I feared how I have everything to lose and I might just do exactly that.

In the quietness of the night, my head seemed especially loud. My UCLA train of thought hadn't even gotten to its station when it got interupted by the loud noise of another train pacing into my head. A train carrying presumptions that were proven wrong the next morning.